I've forgotten the first most important essence to being happy. And that is being comfortable in being yourself. Comfortable in being honest and true. So what if I am not a good student?. So what I am still trying to be a good doctor?. A doctor is not born...they are polished. So what if half of the time....I'm not sure of what I'm doing, I'll ask, I'll learn.....and soon....hopefully I will know what I'm doing. Truthfully, I can't stand being a doctor. I don't like the fact that my weekend have to be sacrifice forever. I don't like the fact that I have to do on call, in which a patient might collapse..and I will be alone to manage the situation. I don't like the fact that everyday... I am predisposing myself to infections. I don't like the fact that people don't really appreciate whatever that I do. I don't like to hear them complaining. I don't like anythg!!!! I hate it. I hate this job. I am doing this for who? Endangering myself for who? Of cause, it is quite interesting to be able to do those procedures....able to take blood from dorsalis pedis, chest tube, cvp and all that. I find it interesting. But I don't think I am ready for all this.
I hate going to work. I want my weekend back. I want to be able to sleep without having to worry whether or not I've done a good job at work today, that tomorrow... I'll find my patient still alive. I want to be able to have fun without thinking that I've to do calls. I want to be able to eat lunch without feeling that there still so many thgs left to do in the ward. I want to go on a holiday at anytime that I want without having to look at the time table whether or not I have calls, or am i having assessment and all that. I like organize and structured things. I don't like when things suddenly get out of hand. Which is just impossible....with this job, anything could happen.....Last night, before I went to sleep, I was thinking so hard on which specialty I should pursue so that I have a balanced, organized and structured evironment......I think hard and suddenly Radiology came into the picture. I do really love ObGyn, I do! I still miss being in that department. But, oh well....I dunno.
Oh yeah! So what if I don't know a thing about football. So what if I don't know that an offside happen when the player received the ball in an offside position, a position in which he is nearer to the opponent's goal compared to the opposition themselves. So what if i can't tell the difference between a direct and indirect free-kick or name all the 14 players of Argentina. So what? I still can like football, I still can watch it 90 minutes straight....I can still have the spirit of World Cup. Because it is an interesting time where everybody around the world come together to watch a game. It is an amazing thing, and it's fun to be part of it!
I'm seriously sick of playing games too, especially the game of love. I don't want to date many guys....I just want to date one. Its either you want me or you don't want me. That's all. I'm really not the girl who is shadowed by insecurities anymore. I am hardly jealous. I judge people by the thing that they do to me and the way they portray themselves to me . Talk don't really get to me. Talk are cheap. So cheap....people can talk without even realize what they were saying. Yeah, that is how cheap it is.
With all that being said, starting from now...i don't care anymore....I don't care what you think. Whatever that I said....that is me. I don't need to cut my hair short again to prove that myself is mine.
On this new year.....I just hope that I'll get a new hope....I hope this year there will be a new twist to life. I want to be a better Muslim. I wish I can be a good doctor. I just hope that my life will always be under Allah The Most Merciful care and love. May Allah bless me and the people that I love always....Salam Maal Hijrah...
