Lesson of Love

Moment of truth : I don't know how to be in a relationship. XS

I know what kind of a psycho person make this kinda statement? But seriously, this is my only space of comfort and no lies. I have to let this out. Being in a relationship might sound easy but I guess it is not as simple as I thought it would be. I have learn that I have a lot to learn. I seriously don't know how to say it any other way....  'I don't know how to be in a relationship' is by far the most perfect statement to describe my condition right now.

In making sure a person know that you care, that you love them, that they meant a world to you...you need to be able to do more than just saying it, you need to show your love for a person  with action. That is what I've realized.....you need to do more than words. In my defense maybe I am not good in showing all this emotions because I'm just still scared....I don't want to get hurt like how I've before. That's why I've become more careful.... I just needed some time to come around. I'm trying to just fall slowly...taking things one step at a time. That is supposed to be a good thing right?

I dunno, I think I've become very bad in verbalizing and acting my feelings....maybe it have lead me to hurt the person I love most. Maybe I could be better. I don't know how I become like this. I love him so much, no doubt....if I could, I want to have him here with me every second of the day....but, I can't. I wanna be an independent person, who is strong in my own way. So that he knows that he can count on me, so that he knows that I will be okay even without him around so that he can go and follow his dreams. I don't want to be a person that will be a burden to him, I don't want to be a clingy person that choke him from freedom. I want to be able to be his backbone...that support him during difficult times.

Saying all this might be easy but making sure that person know how much you love them without making yourself look like a complete back-boneless is a task. All in all, I just hope he know...I love him so much. Having him loving me is like a dream. Seeing how much he love me make me feel truly touched, truly surreal. I guess I just don't realize how much he love me until today. I am surprised even to see this person that I've never seen in him before, all of this is new to me. But, how can I ever make him understand that I'm truly grateful that he open up himself to me like this. I've a lot to learn and I need time....I just hope he can be a bit more patient because I am truly working on it as best as I can.

So I guess, Step 3 is : Learn to make the person you love feel loved...

What's the deal with Fie

Now is 3.20pm....my sister had just left for Sg. Petani with my parents...and I have promise myself to spend only 30 minutes on the internet as I have to start packing and all that stuff...as I have been putting off everything ever since the news of induction reached my tympanic membrane. I find it so hard to wake up this morning, I don't want to face reality. I like things the way that it is now. I just feel so comfortable. With everyone's gone and me alone in charge of the house...no more diversion....reality is...next Monday i'll be goin for induction....get the result of the hospital that i'll be posted to....in which only Allah s.w.t knows where. Maybe faraway from my parents, my family and all of my bestfriends...my sister will be in Sungai Petani....and I can only see her during Raya...which reminds me...I have to make sure I apply for my Raya holiday as soon as I know my posting. I'll have to start to depend on myself solely. Thinking of all this...make me feel a little isolated and alone....geez, I am scared, but I have got to toughened up.

>>SHOCK>>BARGAINING>>DENIAL>>ANGER>>DEPRESSION>>ACCEPTANCE ~

Yes, I think I have come to accept this like it or not I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT...so now I have to start preparing myself and stop being sooo teary eyes about it. I am stronger than this. I know.....so I have to get to work now...I've got so many things to do.... ;)

July comes with a....NEWS

As I am making this blog entry.....I am actually very very VERY sleepy already. My eyes has been begging to sleep from 10pm but I was dragged to watch "Knight and Day" (a very funny movie!!!) by my sister and my parents. So, I just got back from watching movie....well, I know I said dragged but truthfully....I am really happy to go out with  them. It was my sister's last night before she is gonna start the new semester. I really hope her semester will go smoothly and may she will claim her DL again this semester. And I hope she will find a proper place to stay. I am kinda worried about her but I have my own stuff to fuss about right now. I am really sad that I can't send her one last time before I start to work...I am so sorry Adik...you know that I love you so much kan....you have been a great company sepanjang my holiday nie...I am really glad to have you around. Missing u already :'(

This has been quite a busy week. First, I was surprise by the news that I have to go for induction next week. Yes, I was shock....cause it was not supposed to be this fast. I thought we will be called around 15 July....as it turns out I have to report for duty next Monday, 5th July. I am not trilled at all about the prospect. I still have another 2 weeks plan to complete. And here I am taking everything in... trying to compact my 2 weeks schedule to 4 days...which was a complete failure...if I have to say so. I am very upset. I don't really like it wen my plan goes wrong....Oh well,  Alhamdullilah...most of the things that I need for my induction and work has already been completed. Just that I need to photocopy some important documents, buy some essential stuff like my shower foam and shampoo and stuff, and of cause packing. My mum said, I can't make such a long term plan...it is not good...I shud just at least plan1 week ahead, because we'll never know what might happen....in a way she is right tho...we are too busy planning life, where is the fun of it? We need to be more spontaneous and taste life as it is right...I dunno, maybe I am a control freak or sumthing...Not to mentionlah kan with that Postmen drama...goshh!!! just seriously...... (O.o) 

I am really scared....I am scared that I did not get the hospital that I wanted to go. I am afraid to work. I am afraid if I can't be the good, safe, competent Muslim doctor. I am afraid that now people's life is in my hand. Anyway, I realized this week that I have so many people of whom I can depend on, who care about me...it made me see that I'm a very lucky person......kinda make me feel scared...cause people always say that there will be that calm peaceful period before the storms attack right. What if I have used up all my luck and the future awaits is just so so terrible? I noe I am being paranoid....but really, I do thk that way sometimes. I'll try to update about my holiday if I have time. But looking at things...I thk I have to do some other things first...I better go to sleep now...will try to post something more sensible tomorrow

HELLO JULY

its time for a new CHAPTER of my life

: : : GOODNIGHT : : :

My day with Mortarboard, Hood, Robe and Scroll (^^)v

22nd May 2010

That is the date of my convocation day

A very memorable day for me

That is the day that I received my scroll....had that less than a minute walk on the ancient stage of Dewan Sri Budiman. As I walk towards Y Bhg. Tan Sri Datuk Seri Panglima Dr. Abdul Rahman Arshad the Pro Chancellor of UiTM to receive my MBBS, I was showered by cocktail of emotions....happiness, relief, thankfulness, joy, gratefulness, nervousness...name it and I felt it. So with lip brimming with a smile from cheek to cheek, sweaty palms, palpitating heart....I walk proudly toward the center of the stage...aware that I was being watched by hundred pairs of eyes *malunyeee* including that 2 pairs that matter the MOST <3 ....I received my scroll, shake hands with the Pro Chancellor and make my way down the stage....and that's it! My moment of glory end just within few seconds....and as weird as it sounds...that moment are going to be one of the most precious moment in my box of memories. Oh yeah! They said that MBBS means that I have a DR in front of my name too.....what does that mean??? Hahaha yeah...I am in the state of denial and I don't wanna talk about the word ho******ship for at least another 1 month. For now, let's just enjoy and be a lazy bum bum ~ Haa XD

MBBS 220 UiTM, 3rd Batch, Class of 2010

After the ceremony end....I was greeted by my parents, my sister and my bestfriends. I am so happy that they came and share my happy day with me....it really means a lot!!! Seriously LOVE you guys so much for that!!!

I got Mail

Yeah, I've received my offer letter today. I am officially being offered a job!!! 

Anggur-anggur, I am sorry...1 month from now, I have to leave you guys, so take care of yourself!!! 

:: the hospital that i will be posted to will be inform during my induction okay ::
approximately 1 month from now 

Update?? Not!! Haha...

Hey....ya I know... I promise to update, I was!!...but then I thought I shud u know... put back the sidebar blog lists of my friends, family and u know the blogs that I usually go to...before I realized... I was reading fashion blogs, going ooooohh!! and aaahhh!! over shoes, handbags and clothes.....yeah, sadly I am that kinda girl -_____-""" . Oh well, at least I know my boundaries...InsyaAllah takde la sampai ke tahap Rebecca Bloomwood...gosh!! hopefully....not!! haha. But kinda geram though....after looking at all those blogs and website...I am currently having a strong feeling of wanting to SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! But, I got no money lah....and I dare not to ask my parents for any money because.....oh well, they are gonna pay for my car, my duit minyak, my driving classes (cz I dah 3 years tak bawak kete), give me pocket money to hangout with my friends...Soon, nak bli barang for induction, my hoship cz most of my toiletries dah abes....plus they have to tanggung me for the next 4 months or so sementara nak tunggu my gaji...nampaknye terpaksalah membantut kan jer niat nak bershopping tuh. T_T

Most of my frens....well 75 out of 90 of my class yang pass their PRO 3 are going for induction this coming Monday....my days are going to be extra EXTRA empty....no more laughing at their drama on facebook...gosh!! I am so gonna miss them. Especially Zatil, now... nobody is going to listen to me quaking about the same never-ending problem again and again or calm me dwn wen I feel sad and lost. I know, I am exaggerating... but, it is definitely gonna feel a little bit empty...after diorang dah start kerja apetah lagi...bertambah2 busy...and before we know it, we are making new friends, living our own life, too busy to even look back....I'm talking from experience. Its sad....isn't it? But that is life....the only CONSTANT thing in it is CHANGE...thanks Hazim, you thought me that.

Anyhoot, bila I pulak nak start induksi?? Hmm InsyaAllah...15 July nie kot, together with another 14 other people yang nama tercicir for interview tu cz kitorang interview after PRO 3 (3 May 2010) while the others dah interview 1 month before PRO 3 lagi...but tula surat SPA pun kitorang tak dapat lagi...after dah dapat surat SPA tu baru lah boleh buat medical check up and surat sumpah while waiting for induction. I am praying hard to dapat Serdang.....memandangkan budak2 from UM, USM, UKM...banyak dapat their first choice. Anyway, as Zatil always ALWAYS said....ALLAH s.w.t. know best...so dapat mane2 redha jelah, maybe that is the place for me kan. But, ape2 pun hopefully I'll manage to find a gud support system kat the place that I will be posted tu....Amin...Amin...Aminnnn

pray for me too..okay =)


********
interviewer me
so Syafiqah which hospitals did you choose?
Serdang, Seremban, Sg. Buloh
Oh! I see....it seems that your choice are all the hospitals around Selangor...hmm 
*thinking thoughtfully*
May I know why???
Well, I am the eldest in the family so I feel responsible towards my family, plus I'm living with my grandma and she is quite ill lately and she is hoping that I will be posted near our house. I also feel that my best support system are in Selangor so... I'm more comfortable to be in the area of Klang Valley. *phew!!!*
Hmm...but from what I see in your resume...you have been in Selangor ONLY all this while...
-____________-"""
*speechless*


Oh, well...Allah swt knows best right? =) 

Post-Mortem Professional 3 Exam

Hahah...baru sekarang ade konfiden nak cakap pasal exam...anyway, I still think I screwed up my MCQ pretty badly....my clinical exam was pretty okay....better than MCQ I must say, tho I dapat the Dean as my examiner, but I got an O&G case...so there wasn't much that he could asked from me....phew!!! but to say that I escape his questions all together mmg silap besar la kan...its the Dean, so what do you expect??? People in UKM used to faint okay at the sight of him being one of the examiner....that's why they dun invite him as their external examiner anymore.

So for long case, I got uncomplicated fibroid case in which the lady actually presented with acute urinary retention....but the lady was very obese...her BMI was 37. Her face looked rather plethoric to me...when, I first saw her....I actually thought that maybe this is a case of Cushing Syndrome or PCOS ker.....heheh....I was pretty lucky I guess, cz the patient was very nice, very cooperative.....and the history was pretty straight forward as she dun really have any other medical condition.....just some psychological issues as she has yet failed to conceived with her 2nd husband even though she already had 2 children with her 1st husband.....so biaselah org lelaki kan, nak anak...then ugut2 the wife if takde anak jugak die nak kawen lain. To me la very inappropriate kot the husband, dahla die yg tak bagi operation fibroid tu 8 years ago....dan dan nie nak salah kan isteri die pulak....she is already 42 kowt, tho mmg la still can conceived but quite dangerous kowt....haihh... so anyway...the long case I think I did pretty okay, as Dr. Punithan pun sgt baik..hehe

For short case, I dapat case Thalassemia in Peads (kinda expect this already) that i was mistaken for lipoma at first -.-, macula sparring unilateral partial 3rd cranial nerve palsy for medicine and right complete irreducible indirect inguinal hernia for surgery....Okla, the examiners are all nice, tho I have a feeling that they were having such a great time laughing at me...but I think it was okay..hehe. So that's all about my exam...dah abes dah pun...for more info blh check out this website in which my batch buat to kumpulkan soalan for future use :

clinical exam PRO III Batch of 2005/2010 UiTM

The Date that I'll Always Remember..

*30 April 2010*

The date that I'll definitely remember forever. The Dean of our faculty said, As years come by...you'll remember this day exactly as it is. You'll remember what you were wearing, you'll remember exactly where you were sitting, who is beside you and what you were doing. Truthfully, that moment was still playing inside my head. It feel so unreal. I'll will never forget sitting in the centre of that Level 1 Lecture Hall of Selayang Campus of UiTM Medical Faculty. Beside me were Masy and Anis (now, they are both doctors too >_<), I was holding Masy's sweaty hand. I was really scared, I can feel my heart beating so fast as the Dean called our name one by one....all of our lecturers from Pre-Clinical to Clinical were there...all eyes were on us. I waited anxiously as the Dean turn to read the last page and at last...my name was called.... I, for the very first time, was so happy to be called by the Dean. Then, I turn to Masy who sed "Congratulations!!!". It felt like a dream, still feel like a dream. Next thing I know was tears streaming down my cheeks, hugging and congratulating my fellow friends, talking to my parents on the phone, and thanking all of the lecturers.

Gosh!!! thanking all of the lecturers is never gonna be enough, I think. I owed so much to them. Only Allah swt could ever repay for what they have done for me. All of those times, they spent teaching me, even when I was scolded, I feel that all of those moments are very valuable....in fact, all of the memories that I have for these 5 years are very valuable. It seems like yesterday I was asking Prof. Is about how many times are we allowed to fail, before we were thrown out.....Alhamdullilah, I managed to finished this battle at last. Finally, all those late night studying, all those tears and worries, all those time that has been sarificed....they were all worth it!!! *\(>_<)/*

After our result announcement, we were all gathered in front of the library, for photo session. What really moved me were, the lecturers are all acting like we are a part of them already. Dato' Amin was even being very comical....can u imagine, he said "Okay now...we took a freestyle picture, okayy readday everyone?? Let's do it!" together with the hand gestures and everythg, I cld not help but to smile...heheh. The most memorable moment on that day was, taking picture with Dato' Raja plus hugging her and having her said "Nanti, be a gud doctor tau" with a smile while holding my arm...Gosh!!!! seryesly, I just can't stop smiling thinking of that moment. Another best part was, while I was thanking Dr. Norsham, she sed "Nanti, come back and join us as a lecturer yea" I was practically nodding my head so hard on that statement, plus, she is an O&G specialist...so u know where I was coming from kan? huhu.....InsyaAllah...I hope to come back to UiTM as a lecturer too. But, my journey is just starting, I still have a long looonggg LOOOOONGGG way to go...I do hope to become a good, safe, competent Muslim doctor along the way too...InsyaAllah....amin. 

Dr. Siti Nur Syafiqah Azahari

i owed this name to 

my parents and my family who has never stop praying and supporting me. My lecturers, for all the knowledge that they shared, support and time that they've sacrificed  for me. My bestfriends : Mirae, Mimione, Far, Jenny,and Shoebie who has been my constant strength, Mirae seryesly thank you for all those advice and phone calls...Zatil who has been there for me thru all of my good times and bad times, I owed so much to you girlfren, I dunno what will I do without you, only Allah swt can ever repay for what you have done for me....tho I noe u really wana take arts...but I'm just really glad that u did not pursue art, cause I needed you here...and thank you so much for being here with me, yes, i loikes u A LOT bestie!!!! haha . To my housemates (Masy, Jana, Anis, Min, Eja, Aisyah and Murni) who has been there to check on me and make sure that I am still alive!!! To all of my friends that has been practicing PE with me, thank you for all the knowledge that uguys have shared...really thank you so much!!! And lastly... Hazim my mentor/bestfriend, thank you for always believing in me, you are always in my prayer too.

with Dr. Adli

with Dato' Raja

with Prof. Gassan

with Dr.Salmi

with my study group sepanjang study weeks nie Dr.Rahmatul and Dr. Zatil, thank you so much ugys esp for keeping me sane hehehe...so happy to be graduating together!!! =)

MBBS 220 3rd BATCH UiTM 2005/2010

CONGRATULATIONS DOCTORS!!!!!

-yes, all of you deserved a pat on the back-