Lesson of Love

Moment of truth : I don't know how to be in a relationship. XS

I know what kind of a psycho person make this kinda statement? But seriously, this is my only space of comfort and no lies. I have to let this out. Being in a relationship might sound easy but I guess it is not as simple as I thought it would be. I have learn that I have a lot to learn. I seriously don't know how to say it any other way....  'I don't know how to be in a relationship' is by far the most perfect statement to describe my condition right now.

In making sure a person know that you care, that you love them, that they meant a world to you...you need to be able to do more than just saying it, you need to show your love for a person  with action. That is what I've realized.....you need to do more than words. In my defense maybe I am not good in showing all this emotions because I'm just still scared....I don't want to get hurt like how I've before. That's why I've become more careful.... I just needed some time to come around. I'm trying to just fall slowly...taking things one step at a time. That is supposed to be a good thing right?

I dunno, I think I've become very bad in verbalizing and acting my feelings....maybe it have lead me to hurt the person I love most. Maybe I could be better. I don't know how I become like this. I love him so much, no doubt....if I could, I want to have him here with me every second of the day....but, I can't. I wanna be an independent person, who is strong in my own way. So that he knows that he can count on me, so that he knows that I will be okay even without him around so that he can go and follow his dreams. I don't want to be a person that will be a burden to him, I don't want to be a clingy person that choke him from freedom. I want to be able to be his backbone...that support him during difficult times.

Saying all this might be easy but making sure that person know how much you love them without making yourself look like a complete back-boneless is a task. All in all, I just hope he know...I love him so much. Having him loving me is like a dream. Seeing how much he love me make me feel truly touched, truly surreal. I guess I just don't realize how much he love me until today. I am surprised even to see this person that I've never seen in him before, all of this is new to me. But, how can I ever make him understand that I'm truly grateful that he open up himself to me like this. I've a lot to learn and I need time....I just hope he can be a bit more patient because I am truly working on it as best as I can.

So I guess, Step 3 is : Learn to make the person you love feel loved...

The Poem

a friend of mine said world wide web is an amazing thing, it is a world of no boundaries of memory capacity that keep on expanding with every passing day. it is a world that is created by human, dominated by human but no human live in it...and the amazing thing is... anything that has been on the web will forever be in the web....so i decided, i wana put this piece of art here....so that it'll be part of this world forever...

My Friend, the Alien

its been almost 3 years, since the day

when we first met, as mentor and mentee

there are so many things, that i can say

about you, siti nur shafiqah binti azahari

At times you are weird, and others you are funny

at times you are just impossible,and very whiny

yet still we are friends, and you have stood by me

through good times and bad times, faithfully

we have had our share, of tears and joy

well rather, most of the tears came from you

while i listened intently, so calmly and coy

making jokes, to try and make you less blue

just like the burning flame, shining so bright

will eventually fade, when the candle runs dry

the fire does not see, despite of the light

he is hurting the candle, and making it cry

the same example, applies to both you and me

though i hurt your feelings, and i know that i do

i have never meant to do it to you, purposely

for as far as true friends go, none is true-er than you

Soon i'll be a doctor in some far - off land (insyaAllah)

and you'll be one of those i will truly miss

because it takes just a day to make a friend

but it takes years to know what friendship is

Copyright Khairul Hazim 2008. Rights Reserved

A day that starts with a rainbow and ended with love

260511

MODE : HAPPY <3

even after replaying memories of that night again and again

it still feel like a dream
just feel like i wana live in it again and again
i can't get enough of it
and i just can't stop smiling
funny how this feel

after all this years
i'm just so happy

i'm hoping for the best 

may Allah swt bless this

Amin

A Tribute : to the one we lost and will never come back

Especially...

1. My Red Vostro 3400 *my baby D*
2. My broadband
3.  My memory card reader which I got together with my 'handphone daun' yg hilang gak while i was out snorkeling in Pangkor.
4. My memory card which contain lots of pics of my Yr 1 and 2 in med skool
5. My SONY camera charger, darn !!!
6. Mt newly bought 500G hardisk
7. ..and a few cds.. 
8.  MOST important of all are my pictures, files, memories, ymchat, everythg....

15052011....i'll remember that night forever, the night when I thought I was just being generous added with extra stupidity and carelessness... the car window was broken,  and I lost all of the 8 things listed above...I duno if there were anythg else in there...if there is I just can't remember...haihh, maybe its better this way...

I was crying a river for at least 3 days straight, then all of it just felt numb.....i feel a little amount of emotion, when I remember I'll cry, sometimes just lost in a trance...I just can't believe, just because of one simple mistake...I've lost it all. May be it is not as bad as I pictured it to be... cause for whatever it worth nobody was hurt that night. Actually, I did not realized how bad my condition is until my dad come to pick me up on Wednesday....the journey home was all silence until, he sed "Hey, tak mo lah sedih2, benda dah hilang...kita kenang2 pun nak buat ape........just be glad that at least u lost some THING not SOMEONE". 

It really got me thinking, I am kinda glad that it is not my mum, my dad, my sis, my bro, or anyone in the family that I lost that night, I am glad it is not him too...yes, we always took for granted what we had till its gone...only then you know how valuable something, someone is to you....its like a reminder to NEVER take for granted what you have, cause it can be taken away from you with just a blink of an eye and when its gone, and you can never get it back.... that is one of the worst feeling that you could ever feel. Be thankful, that you are still here....be thankful for the blessings He gave you....Alhamdullilah, I am actually thankful that no body get hurt that night...

Make full used of all the time you have, live your life today like there's no tomorrow....fight for whatever worth fighting for before it is too late.....before time runs out...

bored

i am bored of talking truthfully...just bored cz the things that really matter are kept in silence

Fie's Mumbles

This Ortho posting has definitely gave an impact in my life....we have to work in shifts for at least once a month in which there will be no weekend off, sometimes my sleeping pattern is seriously disturb by the shift systems. But, who am I kidding? life is Ortho can be said as nothing if compared with medical....prove is I gain weight ok...yup, i'm officially a fatty. After receiving a few remarks like..." you look healthier fie, did you gain weight?", my bestfriend has been calling me 'donut cheeks' tho I actually don't really mind cz think it is kinda cute...I just cannot ignore it any longer when most of my pants are getting tighter....haihh seriously this call for a SOS. I know, beauty seriously lies inside but I don't want to look fat either. Maybe nobody really care about how you look and  stuff. But don't lie and said that you don't agree that...how you look actually help in your self esteem.

My friend once said ~

I read in a comic strip once, it said..."when you are in your 20's you will care so much about what other people thought of you, when you are in your 30's you will start not to care, and when you reach your 40's you will learn that people don't really care about you at all". With that being said we should care less about what people think because people dont care..

I thought about this quote...it may be true that reality is people don't really care about you at all. We can say it that way but I personally think it cant be 100% true. Ppl in their 20's may think a lot about how they look, how they appear to other ppl, what other people think about them..why? Because they themselves think about others, they judge ppl clothing, personality... They are at the age where they are searching for stability. Not much about finding who they wanna be as they have done in their teens more of building a personality so they improvice and change themselves to be who they see themselves to be. So they judge and critic, and compare themself to other ppl, not because they simply like to bring other ppl down but because it is their way to learn and without they realize they change, creating a very individualistic character of their own. So they fuss over their look, they become obssessive over what people think of them and etc..because ppl do care, at least the ppl their age..

Moving on to people in their 30's, well normally people at this age...they have achieve at least some kind of stability in life be it in personal life, career or whatever it is that made them focus. At this age, they are more focus, they no longer pay attention to all this minute things that is just going to slow them down. They do what they wana do, focus on it and give it their best. That's why their started not to care because they know well enough that caring about what other people think wont get them anywhere.

And when they are 40's, they just finally realized what are the things that matter the most. Most probably they have already achieve what they wanna achieve or they have become content with their life. 

I don't know... this is just what I think, tho beauty really lies on the inside...i strongly believed this is true but how you  look, dress, represent yourself and most importantly how you feel about yourself have a lot to contribute to your self esteem. And these things come with experience...one step at a time...at my age now  I still do care about what people think of me.

Anyway, nowadays I think  life was pretty okay...I think I am really blessed in whatever I do. I think Ortho as much as I don't like it is kinda interesting plus I get a chance to suture again..so that is really great. I really enjoy learning all this new stuff. I enjoy sports clinic and it is not due to Mr. Peter... I promise. It is just kinda exciting learning. During my Blue Zone shift I managed to work closer to my bestfriend and it is kinda nice seeing each other in a working environment. Too bad we'll never get a chance to actually be in the same department. Anyway, other important thing that has been lingering on my mind these lasts few days are...I think I am falling, I just wanna say it. But nothing came out. I dunno, I dunno what I shud do. Time is not really on my side anymore. I duno how I am going to be the  next one year. I dunno...and I am scared.