Safety is our BEST policy

I've been very superficial lately....I tried to find other words to describe it but I find it did not change the fact that my feelings and thoughts have become shallow. It is what it is....I've been trying in making connections with my inner feelings and thoughts but I guess my body detect it as a danger and completely blocked it away. Being who I am, this kinda disturb me. Never really completely understand how I really feel or think about things are making me uneasy, I need to feel...I need to know. That's what make me a person....not somebody who just follow or agree to what other people feel and think. Okay, I might exaggerate there a little bit. 

Yesterday, I finally understood why I've been that way. Truth is I'm scared, I thought that its nothing. But apparently, this fear is making me block every single thoughts, questions, feelings.....its not that it is not there, its just being shoved away in a box before it even get a chance to creep on me. Reality is...I don't want to be the one having questions left unanswered, I don't want to let this feeling grow if it is not real, I don't want to be the one to wonder. Its tiring to fight all this feelings and thoughts. I've been that girl before. I don't want to be that girl again. So I kept it away before it grow stronger. I know I should just follow where the wind blows and embrace it wherever it goes but I knew that I will be blown away faster than I'm supposed to. Then, I'll forget how to stop, how to land safely....and if I decided to fall, I'm scared that there's nobody there to catch me again and I'll break for the second time. I cannot let that happen.  

Not again...

So I decided not to let it grow on me, I shut it in a box. But no matter how hard I tried, I think the box has begun to overflow. Its lit can no longer keep it shut....so little by little it has started to creep. And I'm truly scared. Scared that I can't control any of this. Scared that this feeling will grow bigger and stronger than it is supposed to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is....maybe I do need an answer. I am trying very hard to just handle this on my own. But, I guess it is getting harder not to feel, not to think and keeping myself safe especially when there's a constant reminder of why I want it so badly to feel what I'm stopping myself to feel...

my Heart condition

i'm currently suffering from a premature ventricular contraction....
i'm seriously in trouble...

oh dear...

I've just been too happy to realize where I've actually gotten my self into...
I am seriously scared now....

Me NOW, Wishes and Dreams

Looking at my juniors...truthfully, it reminded me a lot about the past. About how I was at that time goin thru wat I gone thru, who I was. Mostly the emotional event. Seriously, I am not proud about it at all. I was vulnerable, fragile, too naive and too weak. I let my feelings get the better of me. I hurt myself in ways I don't ever wana feel again. Knowing that, looking at me now and how I handle things,  how I really feel about things. Something definitely have change. I certainly love my self more. I certainly feel more content with myself. I certainly more comfortable being in my own shoe and I certainly have more faith in me. Which knowing who I used to, I have to  say this is pretty amazing...and that is why I am proud of myself ;)

oh yes! even if it is an international disgrace....I have to say this cz I deserved this plus I need to remember how it feels like for future reference just in case I forgot.

p/s : everythg just feel soo right at this very moment, if only I can freeze time. My only wish is for this to lasts and let me just live this dream forever....

Ummi's Day

HAPPY UMMI'S DAY TO MY UMMI =) <3

XOXO

Love ya to the max. Timasih sebab layan kerenah saye nie.

My private space

I know... I havent been blogging much lately.. Reason was my laptop was always with Hazim n no matter how many times. I've tried to tell him to bring his own laptop... He seems to ignore it totally...I thk he prefer having  my laptop as it  able to function to all of his basic needs. Plus sometimes my broadband internet just too slow for my patience... So unless I wana blog from my phone but sgt tak best cz iphone nyer keyboard kecik... Hahaha maybe this is a sign for Ipad 2 ?? Huahua... Alasan!!

Its been a while now that I really wanna talk about music....I may not be as fanatic about music as I used to. Maybe I become more matured, not so emotionally attached as I used to. Maybe....just maybe. You know, I used to be this girl who correlate her life 100% to the songs....and when I can't express my feelings thru blogging, diaries (yeah, i used to be that diary type of girl *told ya i'm such a nerd*)...i will turn to music, music used to be my salvation....thru songs i express my emotions. It used to be my best way to communicate. I never missed out on Rick Dees Top 40, i even listen to the repeat. I will follow American's Idol attentively. That was then, now I find that I only listen to selected songs and I'll play it over and over again...i hardly ever listen to the radio. I only listen to them if I was in a car going somewhere...or from a movie or a drama that I watch. Even so, the point that I try to point out here is...tho I am not passionate about music as I used to....I still find that music is the easiest way for anyone to channel out their deepest thoughts, feeling, emotions...at least I still think so.

I've come to realize this as I was assisting in the OT (operation teater) the other day and the only sound that is keeping me awake other than the sound of my mo/specialist asking for scapel, suction, gauze, curette, chucky, k-wire etc etc etc.....is the sound of the radio. I smiled to myself as I realized that I can still correlate to the songs and its lyrics...how it moved me inside. I think sometimes when words failed you, its easier to choose a song that is best to describe how you feel and let it out....it kinda help in a way...I love music, I seriously do...tho my voice kinda suck...I cant even play any instrument, and everyone knows how bad I am with name of songs or its artist unless it is my all time fav. Just glad to know that that part of me havent died yet, I still find my salvation in music...apelah yg i membebel ni kan. I pun dunno where I am going with this since I thought about blogging about it for such a very long time I kinda forget the whole layout...anyway asalkan the point is there kan...huhu peace out!

Full moon sucks!

Today I'm just sad and and dissappointed. It seem like eventho I tried to suck it in watever it is that hv hurt me. Even tho i tried, at last other ppl just dont really hv that patience to put up with me. That is the most hurting n sad thg about today.