I've been very superficial lately....I tried to find other words to describe it but I find it did not change the fact that my feelings and thoughts have become shallow. It is what it is....I've been trying in making connections with my inner feelings and thoughts but I guess my body detect it as a danger and completely blocked it away. Being who I am, this kinda disturb me. Never really completely understand how I really feel or think about things are making me uneasy, I need to feel...I need to know. That's what make me a person....not somebody who just follow or agree to what other people feel and think. Okay, I might exaggerate there a little bit.
Yesterday, I finally understood why I've been that way. Truth is I'm scared, I thought that its nothing. But apparently, this fear is making me block every single thoughts, questions, feelings.....its not that it is not there, its just being shoved away in a box before it even get a chance to creep on me. Reality is...I don't want to be the one having questions left unanswered, I don't want to let this feeling grow if it is not real, I don't want to be the one to wonder. Its tiring to fight all this feelings and thoughts. I've been that girl before. I don't want to be that girl again. So I kept it away before it grow stronger. I know I should just follow where the wind blows and embrace it wherever it goes but I knew that I will be blown away faster than I'm supposed to. Then, I'll forget how to stop, how to land safely....and if I decided to fall, I'm scared that there's nobody there to catch me again and I'll break for the second time. I cannot let that happen.
Not again...
So I decided not to let it grow on me, I shut it in a box. But no matter how hard I tried, I think the box has begun to overflow. Its lit can no longer keep it shut....so little by little it has started to creep. And I'm truly scared. Scared that I can't control any of this. Scared that this feeling will grow bigger and stronger than it is supposed to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is....maybe I do need an answer. I am trying very hard to just handle this on my own. But, I guess it is getting harder not to feel, not to think and keeping myself safe especially when there's a constant reminder of why I want it so badly to feel what I'm stopping myself to feel...
