Déjavu

Sometimes I really wish I could erase memories, hurt, and pain. Sometimes I just really wish I can stop my self from being scared. But, I guess my body have the mind of its own... It remember this feeling... Dang it!! Get over it, its different now...

A Little Appreciation

On your birthday who should be the one who we celebrated most?? Its your mother...she is the one who endure all the pain and fight for her life to bring you into the world and if she didn't do a good job at it....you wont be here as perfect as you are....on your birthday, say thanks to your mum. As everybody is wishing and celebrating you, everyone forgot about who brought you here safe (other than the doctor/nurse and the power of Allah s.w.t)

Thank you Ummi, for risking your life and saving me. I love you sooo sooo much!!!!!

this is the birthday cake that I got from my mum for my 23rd birthday. At that time I was having a very difficult time...My bestfriends failed me, my exams is nearing...stressful times and she was there for me always.... sometimes maybe she don't really understand but she will try her best to be there and cheer me up....never failed. My mum, my saviour, always <3

p/s Sorry Ummi, though finally realizing this....I did not celebrate my birthday with you again this year....I am really2 sorry.....For everything, I just wana say thank you....

Moment of Truth

I FREAKING HATE PEADIATRIC POSTING!!!!!!

Unhealthy

Fie... hows life?? Life is freaking pathetic lately....Seriously patthetic. Life is okay. Doink is busy playing  PS3 game 24/7, and I feel so annoyed with that game..tho I am the one who bought him the game in the first place. Whateverlah...I have promised myself to be very understanding bout his game mania, and saying all this doesn't mean that I don't understand. I do, but I seriously thk its a little too much lahh.... seriously too much. Basicly erasing my mood to talk to him about anything. Seriously hating myself for saying all this, I know I look like this not understanding bitch who have problem with her boyfriend playing video games. I know how this looks kay, and I seriously hate this kinda girl. I don't expect him to stop playing game and talk to me pun, but even so...even when he's not playing game I've to make way for him to start playing game...I actually talk "talk" things to other people more than to him kot...haihh sedihla...i just missed him...

And I am seriously hating my computer right now ( D please don't you dare shutting down on me, I wouldn't hesitate in throwing you into the river) I seriously in need of a new laptop. But I just can't afford a laptop now... arghhh!!! not nice feeling to have. Why must the pencuri curi my laptop and all of my memories. Seriously, I hope one day he will know how it feels to be me... I seriously need my laptop more than anythg now. I really need it that I feel so pissed off, so given up on it that it kept on shutting down on me. Gosh, yla I am having hatred towards machines nie...this is too unhealthy. -.-

Btw, I think I might be having this LOVE-HATE kinda relationship with Peads. I think this department is so freaking complicated. The log book, the schedule totally not organized, they are treating us like children, the leave is so freakingly hard to apply, and we are not short of people, we are among the department who have large number of people. But they kept on not letting the first posting to do loads of thing. Man! When are they goin to learn???? I duno la, as much as I think it is freaking complicated...I kinda enjoy working here, I love those kids. No matter how much they made your life miserable, not wanting to take ORS, not wanting to drink or eat, difficult line settings, blood taking, all the struggling and long hours in treatment room with them shouting on top of their lungs in your ear... the end of the day, they will give you this cutest smile, and that is somehow enough to send you back smiling.

FYI.... Jen, Mimi and Mira just climb up Mount Kinabalu which I think is so damn Awesome!!! I seriously feel very envious towards this...I should be a part of that you know. I should, but maybe the time isn't right. But that's the thing...if you don't make time, you'll never find it for anythg at all...I feel so totally proud and happy for my friends. Wish one day I can climb up that mountain too..InsyaAllah....

Anyway, I think that is all for now...

My life really need an emergency makeover.....

Gawd, I feel old...

Just the other day I was talking to this boy, his name was Joshua...he was playing with his toy cars. Seriously, I hardly ever see kids these days play with TOYs. Do they even know what that is anymore??....or their source of fun has totally change to iPad, Tablet, PS3, XboX....Although we are moving with times, I personally think it is rather refreshing and nice to see kids who still play with their imagination, who still read story books, who play outside...Yeah, I'm old fashioned, I know...

Crazy Animal facts

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)..


~Adapted from someone, I just found it on Facebook...

Day 1 of Little Hands and Feet

Okay so my day don't start off so good. Ntahla...I just feel so lonely la in this department. The log book is so freaking complicated. I'm tagging alone. SUCKS !!! Big time. I still feel like I'm missing Surgery and the familiar faces. I'm missing Doink more and more....I miss to have him pick me up from work on my first day of tagging...listen to me rant and cry and tell me all the good thgs that he have experience in that posting....and I'll go back tired, slightly frustrated but looking forward to everyday.....cz at the end of the day...he is there for me, always. And he will try his best to cheer me up. 

Today, I am eating my cold dinner alone and its raining outside. I wish soooo hard that I have his company now...maybe running away to Penang wasn't such a BAD idea...Gahhh!!! this feeling is killing me...

Anyhoot....just few minutes before I headed back home. I was helping my friend to hold a baby so that they could take his blood. The baby was crying and so it became difficult for us to aspirate his blood. Then I put my little finger *its clean ok, i wash it before I touch the baby* and the baby suck it playfully...and that miraculously make me smile. That baby made my day....  =)

Sentimental much?? nahh...I just love to rant

Ok...come across this song again as my sister was playing Sims Social on Facebook. What is the significance?? Believe it or not...this is the first song that I've debated with Doink when we first met. Hey, no judging...that time I told him how ridiculous I think of the lyrics...and it that if a person want to LEAVE so much they shouldn't be saying 'believe me' so so many times cz it is soooo soooo ANNOYING....but now that I listened to the song again...hahahaha ugys must be thinking that I'll say somethg wise, or meaningful or almost philosophical right?? *cehh budjet philosophical la kunun* no.....anyway...now that I listened to it again...I seriously don't understand what this song is all about. Yeah, can you believe that??? hahahha maybe I've becoming slow in this deep thinking thg....but I have a feeling that Doink just like it because of the beat....Hey, its kinda cool don't u think??  the music beat....make u feel like u wana move your body to it...yeah, sadly I've become that shallow...

Anyway...I'm just being sentimental....looking from where I am right now at who I was back then...I'm just that girl with pimples on my face and metal on my teeth...Yeah, I was not the class beauty...I was not even the most brainy...I am just me...a girl who listened to punk rock...with lyrics that almost always blaming the world and others for the misery that one feel. I will sit at one corner listening to my walkman and reading a good story book. That's me...simple. I'm not that girl anymore...I don't really know who I am...I am a houseman...sometimes I love what I do sometimes I don't. I've lost passion on those thgs that I like or may be I should say my passion have change???  I really don't know... I love looking at fashion nowadays...looking at how people dressed up and stuff...find it really interesting....like fashion symbolizes character...Mind you...I am not talking bout the runways, latest trends and what not...I am talking bout people who dressed up whatever way they wish to, they are not like those stuck up bimbos whose addicted to the latest trends...they are just normal ppl who dressed up matching to their personalities and wear it with such elegance and confidence that you just can't stop staring...I adore these kinda people, I find them interesting. Make me remember that to be beautiful is not about looking like someone other ppl think is beautiful....it is about being who you are and embrace yourself...

I am outta topic again...I don't even know what is the topic..haha I just love to rant and since I have so much energy to rant...I will now continue....The other day Doink was telling me that he thinks my favourite band EVERRrr is Rascal Flats!!! hahaha...owhh kay that's funny....I'm not that pathetic kay...no offence I do love country music...but not all of them....besides...My all time favourite is Lifehouse!!!! can never get tired of listening to Hanging by the moment or You and Me... and well their last album *not so new actually* help me go thru some pretty tough times but apparently Doink think Lifehouse is borink...and he likes Queen...yeah, we managed to DEEP talk this time he came back...feels nice...since we don't get to talk much due to this  long distance thg but we are both coping. Life is all about learning right....every nanosecond we are learning...it all depends on your willingness to learn or not...that's all.

sape lagi cute I ke En. Doink??

i know...we are both cute...ahaha *mode perasan nak mampos*

Handsome boy  (>_<)v

Anyhoot...I managed to go back to my hometown Johor for Eid-ul Adha....yeah, we visited Tuk Ayah's grave. I've forgotten...He is gone now...He is not in Johor anymore. I won't be able to see him anymore and for some people more than the other the impact is probably more....Its sad to listened to Tuk Mak's painful voice, from her tone...I know she is hurting....her bestfriend is gone...She got married to Tuk Ayah at the age of 11 years old. Yeah, u got that right....when you are still playing house...my Tuk Mak has become a wife. She practically have lived with Tuk Ayah all her life. I can't imagine how she is going to go thru day after day without him...her place to cry, her place to pour her thoughts and hearts to, her everythg......I can only hope and pray that Allah swt give her strength....I miss him you know, his laugh, his neverending advise...tho some people might thk that he membebel...he only say thgs that is relevant....he doesn't make ppl feel annoyed by what he said...everytime he said somethg ppl will really listened....i especially miss his smile... Dear Tuk Ayah, I hope he is placed amongst those who is blessed by Allah swt....the only thg that's left is his memories and words...He said, kalau ada kesempatan...jangan tinggal solat duha dan solat tahajjut....mmg liat diri ni utk buat kebaikkan...tapi akan di usahakan...Moga Allah swt permudahkan...Aminn

kalau kami dah mengila mcm ni la jadinyeee

ok muke budjet cute yg tak boleh bla.....mmg dah tembam kan??? thks kat En. McD =)

Kenduri Magnum =D

Till next time...toodles~

Wish me luck in Peads!!!!

Goodbye Surgery...IMY

gonna miss this group so much!!! missed out diana...hehehh

*~Life is good ~*

Quoted by

Silence is a girl loudest cry..........

4 min and 50 s in 78 freaking hours

Today I just feel that LONG DISTANCE....REALLY SUCK!!!!!!

I call you back, didnt I?

My Pet Bunny

I've been wanting to have a pet for a while now...and as much as I love cats....

I've been eyeing this breed of rabbit called Holland Lop Rabbit...they are sooo sooooo cute with their ears dropping at the side like a puppy...and their short legs...

I just fell in love with them

The question is...am I ready / capable enough to have a pet????

Hmmmm....

cute kan ?? cute kan??? cute kan????

Cinta 359 km

People say distance can really put the relationship to a test...it is true. We dun get that much time to spend on each other lately...phn call and msges are our only way of communicating with each other. And when you are used to seeing each other every single day, this is quite a big change and a challenge....but I find... every single time that he is back from Penang, I can't help having this happy tingling feeling. So, those moments become more precious...tho I would really love to have him here or be there with him. It will be so much easier n better but you know what they say...when relationship is put into a test it can either make it or break it. I do hope I and Doink will make it. I do hope Allah swt will give us strength to go thru this, I hope He will give us patience...one day insyaAllah...everythg will be much2 easier than we will treasure it even more because we've live through these tough times <3

These are cute :)

its true

I do hope these little thgs able to make u happy

Now, Forever and Always <3

<3 Khairul Hazim <3

Big BAd Wolf!!!

BIG BAD WOLF

sound hot enuf???

hahah

you got it right

it is

DEFINITELY

HOT!!!!!!!

imagine all your favourite books in hard cover edition at only RM 8 -15. HOT right???

Thanks to my dear bestfriend Far, i managed to get hold of 7 hardcover books at an extremely HOT AND AWESOME PRICE!!!

~COOLIO~

PiNky October

Ok so i havent been writting as much as promise my self to be...found my self a little easily distracted lately...then i become totally HYPER....

What's been up?

Latest news of all is.... Alhamdullilah...I don't have cancer. those of you who does not know...I've been having this breast lump for quite a while now...approximately 5 years if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, I know I must be crazy to not have it checked up after 5 years...have I lost my mind??? Mind you, I did go for chk up...when I was a student I was seeing Dr. Mumu my Surgical Lecturer....then she said it was nothing to worry about because the history and the nature most likely to suggest fibroadenosis or fibroadenoma which means some benign lesions over the breast which commonly found in the childbearing age women due to the hormones and etc. So I find myself not worried about this lump until recently due to the death of my Tuk Ayah (maternal grandpa) and my Mak Long (maternal aunt) due to cancer. 

My Tuk Ayah was found to have colon cancer just a few weeks before he passed away. He had a cardiac arrest after his operation. While my Mak Long...she had a recurrent breast cancer she had done bilateral mastectomy completed Tamoxifen regime and chemotherapy. So, cut my story short....after few push from these lovely ppl whom I am very lucky to have....I went for the Triple assessment. They did a scan and found that my lump has cancerous feature, its BIRADS 4a...so the radiologist did a Tru-cut biopsy for me and took 3 good samples of tissues. For the whole week of not being able to move my respective arm or use it to carry heavy objects and breast pain due to the small cut...i was also worried about the histopathology result (microscope examination of the tissues). Alhamdullilah...berkat doa my parents and my loved ones...it was not cancer it was just a benign lesion....so mmg Alhamdullilah....Alhamdullilah...Alhamdullilah sgt2.....I might still want to remove it..but maybe not now la as it is very small...I'll definitely do my monthly BSE (breast self examination) don't worry. All you ladies out there should remember to do BSE too okay. Breast Cancer is among the most common cancer among women in Malaysia. Plus October is a breast cancer awareness month. So do remind urself, ur sisters, mother and girlfriends to be aware of this. Do monthly BSE as it has proven to detect breast cancer in its early stage.

p/s doink, thank you for being with me, thank you for caring, thank you for the love that you gv thru this hard times....thank you for your prayer. ILY

WEAR PINK FOR ALL WARRIORS!!

<3

A little piece of me

Hey there its been so long since i REALLY write anything....well blame that on my laptop since it kept shutting down by itself....a LOT has happen lately...when I say a LOT it really is a LOT. Truthfully, I am still trying to cope and figure out how i really feel about things.

09/10/11 ~ 2.55am
I lost my tuk ayah.....now, I dun have grandfather anymore. Tho people said its okay, he have live a full life, he is nearing 90...he have managed to see his grandkids and his great grandkids. I should be redha that it is time for him to go. Dun get me wrong, I do accept this destiny.....I accept that he is gone now. But, I am really sad that I was unable to go to his funeral. That part just make me feel trully sad...guilty in a way. But I also know that there's nothing much that I can do anyway. Whatever it is, I'm glad that I managed to see him before he return to our Almighty Creator...I'm glad that I've said everything that needs to be said, I'm glad that I managed to say my goodbye. So truthfully, I can't see why it was so hard for me to let this go...I just find it hard here, living these days here alone. No body to mourn with, I don't have closure. All I can do is cry, recite Yaa-sin, cry again. I feel a mess, I don't really care about food....I just ate whatever i can find as I know that I am gonna be vomiting everythg out anyway.....I've totally lost my appetite...Milo is my best diet so far...the only thg that I'm able to tolerate.

I called my sis yesterday, she seems all cheery already...I'm happy for her. I do. But I'm also jealous, she dun have to be alone....from the day I saw my grandfather in the hospital, something inside me have weakened and it has not gain it strength still. I'm sad, but I can't show it....all I can do is cry, I duno how to expressed it. All these thgs that I feel that I think about I just don't know how to make ppl understand....I feel guilty that I was unable to be there for my tuk mak, I feel guilty I was unable to say my last goodbye, I feel guilty that I can't even go to his kenduri tahlil....how can he say he love me the most when I am the most unworthy of his love? I feel like I'm being very unfair to him, to his soul....I'm sorry tuk ayah, I am such a failure....how can I make ppl understand all this. I noe by now, Hazim is probably a lil frustated with me already....all I do is cry, mope, feeling sad...maybe he himself duno what to do with me. I don't thk I need ppl to say anythg, I just need to feel that I'm not alone. Thanks Zatil, for just letting me cry thru the phone....funny how simplest thing like that help.

I think that is all for now, I'm starting to drown in thoughts and emotion...my writing is starting to not making sense anyway..will write again soon...just realized how much life I have let slipped away...

PJJ

Penang

My other half is in Penang. Haihhhh seryesly need distractions...

My silent cry

No matter how strong I can be...No matter what I'd say...

You know that I rather have you here...

One Wish

PLEASE STAY........

I don't know how to...

" Long Distance Relationship"

oh help! need to get a grip in less than 10 days...

p/s : love the pics so nice rite the lights...

Cinta

rindu dekat awak yg tak pernah putus asa....
sabar...
dan berusaha sehabis baik utk kita...

terima kasih sayang

Reflection

window to your heart

For the past 2 weeks...I was posted in Ophthalmology Department. Truthfully, this was supposed to be a blessing...I don't have to oncall. I go back approximately 5 o'clock everyday. But, I have to work every weekend and come to work at "6am" every day. Everyday of this posting...seriously I feel so miserable, I think the MO's there are all so la not nice. I am seriously missing surgery....and no its not because he is there. I missed surgery cause I feel like I'm doing something meaningful in surgery and not just a job that can be done by a clerk. So throughout that posting I think I've been rather rebellious, do as I like, come at watever time as I please...I don't have a very good relationship with the MO's. I seriously are not very proud with myself in this posting...tho I will get all my work done, try as hard as possible not to menyusahkan org but I myself know...my attitude in these 2 weeks are terrible. *Muhasabah diri*

What actually knock my senses and try to make me change was a Hospital CME that i attended last week. Last week's Friday, an Intensivist presented a case about this patient who poke an exotic snake while it was sleeping and got bitten. It was an interesting case despite keeping in mind that the patient kinda put himself into that condition, and maybe some ppl might think "serve him right, who asked him to be stupid enuf to disturbed the sleeping snake"...it was indeed a very lively CME. The speaker definitely managed to caught our attention as he goes on talking about how he managed to get the anti-venom from a Zoo in Singapore that saved the person's life and also his arm. Anyway, what really knock my senses was this case...it is a multidisciplinary case as it was first managed by the ED team, then the Medical team, The Anaest team as the pt was cared in ICU and also the Orthopaedic team. The HOD of the Emergency stresses upon how important it is to ensure we have good relationship with every departments and also our resources as it can help us a lot and in this case it helped in saving a patient's life. 

I guess...this applies not just in our working environment but in every single aspect of our lives. So, though it is already too late for me now...we all must always realized we can never work alone. We are not God, we have weaknesses...we are flawed so that others can compliment us, so that we will always remember we are the humble servant of Allah swt. No men is greater than his own Creator....so be humble, patient, forgiving...always be in good terms with everyone...InsyaAllah one day at times when we needed the extra help, things won't be so hard...    

Another thing is...their COMPASSION really amaze me. Seriously, lepas dengar CME to cam semangat kobar2 nak kerja...these ppl they have been working for so long...how did they tahan with all this crap, unfairness....i guess the word is COMPASSION. I guess if you are compassionate enough...money, tiredness...all this is not so important as long as you can see that your patient is safe and sound, as long as you can help to make someone feels better...and that will be all that matters...Wallahualam

   

A tribute to Daddy

Some ppl say no body is goin to love you as much as your parents love you...

Senang kata...your parents love you the best lah...

I slalu balik rumah, my dad yang amik....after balik kerja in Puchong, he will drive to KL to pick my mum up and then he akan patah balik to Klang to pick me up and balik rumah...senang2 jer he will be continuously driving for almost 3-4 hours 'if jalan jam'. Yeah! boleh sampai Johor ok...but he never complaint, say that he is tired. Make known to all of us that he is so super sleepy, get angry, lost his temper, say that we don't appreciate him enough. He said it is his responsibility to care and love us. I and my mum will be sleeping throughout the journey. Seriously, what I did to deserved such love, I seriously don't know. All I know is...his love towards me is great. I don't wana stop being his little girl. I feel so blessed and so safe. I love him so much and I am grateful that he is my dad. My dad's love is PERFECT.

watch this video

Thank you Ayah for everything. ILY

You are ALWAYS right

Swear.... Not gonna say anthg ever again!!!!!

Cheesecake!

Saya sangat tembam mcm hamster..

Sekian...

Doink mmg suka buat muka saya jd mcm ni. tribute to fat face application

Nak Tahu Tak?

Huhuhu

Assalammualaikum...

MODE : GIRL TALK

Lama kan tak muncul kat sini.....

I am just very caught up with life, life pun very tiring jerr lately nie....Now, actually I'm using my ward computer...I'm doing double shif tonite cz nak off esok...cz saye nak balik rumah...dah lama tahu saya tak balik rumah...nak dekat 3 minggu.... huhu lama lahh tu...rindu ok.

So nak meng'update' kan diri la kejap. Currently, I'm working in Surgical Department. It has been almost 3 weeks that I've joined this Department. For now, I think it is quite interesting....MO2 pun baik2 :)) rajin mengajar...so I think it is goin to be a fun experience here. But, I mmg tak ske la nite review die pnat oo...every other day kn dtg...serupa jerr mcm oncall. Tp soon nak start shif system katanye....tp I rase I tak suka la shif system nie....bukannye apa...now, dgn keadaan HO yg walaupun ramai dari time Tok Kaduk dulu...still byk bnda nak buat. Plus, diorang kate nak potong critical allowence....waaaa mane bolehh...RM 700 tu....haihh dah la duit oncall pun tak de. Lama2 kerja doktor pun sama jer mcm kerja2 buruh...kerja tak setimpal dgn gaji...but I pun dunno lah, what really gonna happen. We just wait and see k.

Lately nie, mmg takde masa sgt nak shopping....nak layan all those fashion blogs that I used to go to....until rase mcm I have no particular interest pulak. But, baru2 nie....I ade masa byk sikit la...so pegi la tgk2 fashion blogs, online shopping blogs....I was so into it that I go online for hours...feel so happy sgt. U noe mcm feeling of excited too. I found a new blogger that interest me...nnt one day I'll tell you...she's Malaysian and an engineer. I just love her style...seriously so jealous ok with all these fashionista....they are creative and their style just amazed me. I guess Yeah! I love Fashion....but I simply dun have talent in it. For Syafiqah Azahari to be a fashionista I dunno la berapa zaman baru berjaya agaknye...hehehe

Life currently sgt penuh dgn happiness....hik hik...nak kene jelas kan ke knape? *blushing* Ala...faham2 sendiri la yek.... ;)))

Tak lama lagi dah nak Ramadhan, rase excited sgt....its like you can almost feel the aura everywhere...the weather also mcm sayu sgt. I hope I'll be able to perform my ibadah better this month....Kalau boleh nak cuba khatam kan Quran. Hmmm I hope I'll be able to. InsyaAllah....

Oklah tu je update kali ni...Selamat Menyambut Bulan Ramadhan...Moga kita semua berjaya mencari keberkatanNya...Amin

random mandom moment :

I truly feel beautiful when you told me that I am beautiful because you always said it when I had no make up on. ;P

and I always type out LOVE as in L.O.V.E cause i think L.U.V have no meaning

<3

chow! XOXO

craving for blogging

NK BLOGGING!!!!!! TP NOW TADE MASE ....BALIK TAGGING SGT PNAT  =(

Lesson of Love

Moment of truth : I don't know how to be in a relationship. XS

I know what kind of a psycho person make this kinda statement? But seriously, this is my only space of comfort and no lies. I have to let this out. Being in a relationship might sound easy but I guess it is not as simple as I thought it would be. I have learn that I have a lot to learn. I seriously don't know how to say it any other way....  'I don't know how to be in a relationship' is by far the most perfect statement to describe my condition right now.

In making sure a person know that you care, that you love them, that they meant a world to you...you need to be able to do more than just saying it, you need to show your love for a person  with action. That is what I've realized.....you need to do more than words. In my defense maybe I am not good in showing all this emotions because I'm just still scared....I don't want to get hurt like how I've before. That's why I've become more careful.... I just needed some time to come around. I'm trying to just fall slowly...taking things one step at a time. That is supposed to be a good thing right?

I dunno, I think I've become very bad in verbalizing and acting my feelings....maybe it have lead me to hurt the person I love most. Maybe I could be better. I don't know how I become like this. I love him so much, no doubt....if I could, I want to have him here with me every second of the day....but, I can't. I wanna be an independent person, who is strong in my own way. So that he knows that he can count on me, so that he knows that I will be okay even without him around so that he can go and follow his dreams. I don't want to be a person that will be a burden to him, I don't want to be a clingy person that choke him from freedom. I want to be able to be his backbone...that support him during difficult times.

Saying all this might be easy but making sure that person know how much you love them without making yourself look like a complete back-boneless is a task. All in all, I just hope he know...I love him so much. Having him loving me is like a dream. Seeing how much he love me make me feel truly touched, truly surreal. I guess I just don't realize how much he love me until today. I am surprised even to see this person that I've never seen in him before, all of this is new to me. But, how can I ever make him understand that I'm truly grateful that he open up himself to me like this. I've a lot to learn and I need time....I just hope he can be a bit more patient because I am truly working on it as best as I can.

So I guess, Step 3 is : Learn to make the person you love feel loved...

The Poem

a friend of mine said world wide web is an amazing thing, it is a world of no boundaries of memory capacity that keep on expanding with every passing day. it is a world that is created by human, dominated by human but no human live in it...and the amazing thing is... anything that has been on the web will forever be in the web....so i decided, i wana put this piece of art here....so that it'll be part of this world forever...

My Friend, the Alien

its been almost 3 years, since the day

when we first met, as mentor and mentee

there are so many things, that i can say

about you, siti nur shafiqah binti azahari

At times you are weird, and others you are funny

at times you are just impossible,and very whiny

yet still we are friends, and you have stood by me

through good times and bad times, faithfully

we have had our share, of tears and joy

well rather, most of the tears came from you

while i listened intently, so calmly and coy

making jokes, to try and make you less blue

just like the burning flame, shining so bright

will eventually fade, when the candle runs dry

the fire does not see, despite of the light

he is hurting the candle, and making it cry

the same example, applies to both you and me

though i hurt your feelings, and i know that i do

i have never meant to do it to you, purposely

for as far as true friends go, none is true-er than you

Soon i'll be a doctor in some far - off land (insyaAllah)

and you'll be one of those i will truly miss

because it takes just a day to make a friend

but it takes years to know what friendship is

Copyright Khairul Hazim 2008. Rights Reserved

A day that starts with a rainbow and ended with love

260511

MODE : HAPPY <3

even after replaying memories of that night again and again

it still feel like a dream
just feel like i wana live in it again and again
i can't get enough of it
and i just can't stop smiling
funny how this feel

after all this years
i'm just so happy

i'm hoping for the best 

may Allah swt bless this

Amin

A Tribute : to the one we lost and will never come back

Especially...

1. My Red Vostro 3400 *my baby D*
2. My broadband
3.  My memory card reader which I got together with my 'handphone daun' yg hilang gak while i was out snorkeling in Pangkor.
4. My memory card which contain lots of pics of my Yr 1 and 2 in med skool
5. My SONY camera charger, darn !!!
6. Mt newly bought 500G hardisk
7. ..and a few cds.. 
8.  MOST important of all are my pictures, files, memories, ymchat, everythg....

15052011....i'll remember that night forever, the night when I thought I was just being generous added with extra stupidity and carelessness... the car window was broken,  and I lost all of the 8 things listed above...I duno if there were anythg else in there...if there is I just can't remember...haihh, maybe its better this way...

I was crying a river for at least 3 days straight, then all of it just felt numb.....i feel a little amount of emotion, when I remember I'll cry, sometimes just lost in a trance...I just can't believe, just because of one simple mistake...I've lost it all. May be it is not as bad as I pictured it to be... cause for whatever it worth nobody was hurt that night. Actually, I did not realized how bad my condition is until my dad come to pick me up on Wednesday....the journey home was all silence until, he sed "Hey, tak mo lah sedih2, benda dah hilang...kita kenang2 pun nak buat ape........just be glad that at least u lost some THING not SOMEONE". 

It really got me thinking, I am kinda glad that it is not my mum, my dad, my sis, my bro, or anyone in the family that I lost that night, I am glad it is not him too...yes, we always took for granted what we had till its gone...only then you know how valuable something, someone is to you....its like a reminder to NEVER take for granted what you have, cause it can be taken away from you with just a blink of an eye and when its gone, and you can never get it back.... that is one of the worst feeling that you could ever feel. Be thankful, that you are still here....be thankful for the blessings He gave you....Alhamdullilah, I am actually thankful that no body get hurt that night...

Make full used of all the time you have, live your life today like there's no tomorrow....fight for whatever worth fighting for before it is too late.....before time runs out...

bored

i am bored of talking truthfully...just bored cz the things that really matter are kept in silence

Fie's Mumbles

This Ortho posting has definitely gave an impact in my life....we have to work in shifts for at least once a month in which there will be no weekend off, sometimes my sleeping pattern is seriously disturb by the shift systems. But, who am I kidding? life is Ortho can be said as nothing if compared with medical....prove is I gain weight ok...yup, i'm officially a fatty. After receiving a few remarks like..." you look healthier fie, did you gain weight?", my bestfriend has been calling me 'donut cheeks' tho I actually don't really mind cz think it is kinda cute...I just cannot ignore it any longer when most of my pants are getting tighter....haihh seriously this call for a SOS. I know, beauty seriously lies inside but I don't want to look fat either. Maybe nobody really care about how you look and  stuff. But don't lie and said that you don't agree that...how you look actually help in your self esteem.

My friend once said ~

I read in a comic strip once, it said..."when you are in your 20's you will care so much about what other people thought of you, when you are in your 30's you will start not to care, and when you reach your 40's you will learn that people don't really care about you at all". With that being said we should care less about what people think because people dont care..

I thought about this quote...it may be true that reality is people don't really care about you at all. We can say it that way but I personally think it cant be 100% true. Ppl in their 20's may think a lot about how they look, how they appear to other ppl, what other people think about them..why? Because they themselves think about others, they judge ppl clothing, personality... They are at the age where they are searching for stability. Not much about finding who they wanna be as they have done in their teens more of building a personality so they improvice and change themselves to be who they see themselves to be. So they judge and critic, and compare themself to other ppl, not because they simply like to bring other ppl down but because it is their way to learn and without they realize they change, creating a very individualistic character of their own. So they fuss over their look, they become obssessive over what people think of them and etc..because ppl do care, at least the ppl their age..

Moving on to people in their 30's, well normally people at this age...they have achieve at least some kind of stability in life be it in personal life, career or whatever it is that made them focus. At this age, they are more focus, they no longer pay attention to all this minute things that is just going to slow them down. They do what they wana do, focus on it and give it their best. That's why their started not to care because they know well enough that caring about what other people think wont get them anywhere.

And when they are 40's, they just finally realized what are the things that matter the most. Most probably they have already achieve what they wanna achieve or they have become content with their life. 

I don't know... this is just what I think, tho beauty really lies on the inside...i strongly believed this is true but how you  look, dress, represent yourself and most importantly how you feel about yourself have a lot to contribute to your self esteem. And these things come with experience...one step at a time...at my age now  I still do care about what people think of me.

Anyway, nowadays I think  life was pretty okay...I think I am really blessed in whatever I do. I think Ortho as much as I don't like it is kinda interesting plus I get a chance to suture again..so that is really great. I really enjoy learning all this new stuff. I enjoy sports clinic and it is not due to Mr. Peter... I promise. It is just kinda exciting learning. During my Blue Zone shift I managed to work closer to my bestfriend and it is kinda nice seeing each other in a working environment. Too bad we'll never get a chance to actually be in the same department. Anyway, other important thing that has been lingering on my mind these lasts few days are...I think I am falling, I just wanna say it. But nothing came out. I dunno, I dunno what I shud do. Time is not really on my side anymore. I duno how I am going to be the  next one year. I dunno...and I am scared.

Safety is our BEST policy

I've been very superficial lately....I tried to find other words to describe it but I find it did not change the fact that my feelings and thoughts have become shallow. It is what it is....I've been trying in making connections with my inner feelings and thoughts but I guess my body detect it as a danger and completely blocked it away. Being who I am, this kinda disturb me. Never really completely understand how I really feel or think about things are making me uneasy, I need to feel...I need to know. That's what make me a person....not somebody who just follow or agree to what other people feel and think. Okay, I might exaggerate there a little bit. 

Yesterday, I finally understood why I've been that way. Truth is I'm scared, I thought that its nothing. But apparently, this fear is making me block every single thoughts, questions, feelings.....its not that it is not there, its just being shoved away in a box before it even get a chance to creep on me. Reality is...I don't want to be the one having questions left unanswered, I don't want to let this feeling grow if it is not real, I don't want to be the one to wonder. Its tiring to fight all this feelings and thoughts. I've been that girl before. I don't want to be that girl again. So I kept it away before it grow stronger. I know I should just follow where the wind blows and embrace it wherever it goes but I knew that I will be blown away faster than I'm supposed to. Then, I'll forget how to stop, how to land safely....and if I decided to fall, I'm scared that there's nobody there to catch me again and I'll break for the second time. I cannot let that happen.  

Not again...

So I decided not to let it grow on me, I shut it in a box. But no matter how hard I tried, I think the box has begun to overflow. Its lit can no longer keep it shut....so little by little it has started to creep. And I'm truly scared. Scared that I can't control any of this. Scared that this feeling will grow bigger and stronger than it is supposed to be. I guess what I'm trying to say is....maybe I do need an answer. I am trying very hard to just handle this on my own. But, I guess it is getting harder not to feel, not to think and keeping myself safe especially when there's a constant reminder of why I want it so badly to feel what I'm stopping myself to feel...

my Heart condition

i'm currently suffering from a premature ventricular contraction....
i'm seriously in trouble...

oh dear...

I've just been too happy to realize where I've actually gotten my self into...
I am seriously scared now....

Me NOW, Wishes and Dreams

Looking at my juniors...truthfully, it reminded me a lot about the past. About how I was at that time goin thru wat I gone thru, who I was. Mostly the emotional event. Seriously, I am not proud about it at all. I was vulnerable, fragile, too naive and too weak. I let my feelings get the better of me. I hurt myself in ways I don't ever wana feel again. Knowing that, looking at me now and how I handle things,  how I really feel about things. Something definitely have change. I certainly love my self more. I certainly feel more content with myself. I certainly more comfortable being in my own shoe and I certainly have more faith in me. Which knowing who I used to, I have to  say this is pretty amazing...and that is why I am proud of myself ;)

oh yes! even if it is an international disgrace....I have to say this cz I deserved this plus I need to remember how it feels like for future reference just in case I forgot.

p/s : everythg just feel soo right at this very moment, if only I can freeze time. My only wish is for this to lasts and let me just live this dream forever....

Ummi's Day

HAPPY UMMI'S DAY TO MY UMMI =) <3

XOXO

Love ya to the max. Timasih sebab layan kerenah saye nie.

My private space

I know... I havent been blogging much lately.. Reason was my laptop was always with Hazim n no matter how many times. I've tried to tell him to bring his own laptop... He seems to ignore it totally...I thk he prefer having  my laptop as it  able to function to all of his basic needs. Plus sometimes my broadband internet just too slow for my patience... So unless I wana blog from my phone but sgt tak best cz iphone nyer keyboard kecik... Hahaha maybe this is a sign for Ipad 2 ?? Huahua... Alasan!!

Its been a while now that I really wanna talk about music....I may not be as fanatic about music as I used to. Maybe I become more matured, not so emotionally attached as I used to. Maybe....just maybe. You know, I used to be this girl who correlate her life 100% to the songs....and when I can't express my feelings thru blogging, diaries (yeah, i used to be that diary type of girl *told ya i'm such a nerd*)...i will turn to music, music used to be my salvation....thru songs i express my emotions. It used to be my best way to communicate. I never missed out on Rick Dees Top 40, i even listen to the repeat. I will follow American's Idol attentively. That was then, now I find that I only listen to selected songs and I'll play it over and over again...i hardly ever listen to the radio. I only listen to them if I was in a car going somewhere...or from a movie or a drama that I watch. Even so, the point that I try to point out here is...tho I am not passionate about music as I used to....I still find that music is the easiest way for anyone to channel out their deepest thoughts, feeling, emotions...at least I still think so.

I've come to realize this as I was assisting in the OT (operation teater) the other day and the only sound that is keeping me awake other than the sound of my mo/specialist asking for scapel, suction, gauze, curette, chucky, k-wire etc etc etc.....is the sound of the radio. I smiled to myself as I realized that I can still correlate to the songs and its lyrics...how it moved me inside. I think sometimes when words failed you, its easier to choose a song that is best to describe how you feel and let it out....it kinda help in a way...I love music, I seriously do...tho my voice kinda suck...I cant even play any instrument, and everyone knows how bad I am with name of songs or its artist unless it is my all time fav. Just glad to know that that part of me havent died yet, I still find my salvation in music...apelah yg i membebel ni kan. I pun dunno where I am going with this since I thought about blogging about it for such a very long time I kinda forget the whole layout...anyway asalkan the point is there kan...huhu peace out!

Full moon sucks!

Today I'm just sad and and dissappointed. It seem like eventho I tried to suck it in watever it is that hv hurt me. Even tho i tried, at last other ppl just dont really hv that patience to put up with me. That is the most hurting n sad thg about today.

What is inside my head lately

You noe lately I am just obsess thinking about how all these specialist have the will to continue in this profession that I think I hate (at times) for years.....seriously, I am still wondering how to continue working from day to day. I am seriously amaze watching all this hardworking people. I sometimes wonder what get them going. I know everyone says no job is nice cz working itself is not nice. But these people are passionate. How can I be like them?


to be cont...

"PERFECT MOMENTS"

This post is inspired by somebody very dear to me who believe in a perfect moment like these...

Okay,  so you remember how when you were a little girl...you imagine this life is like a fairy tale where all you have to do is just be this really perfect, nice and sweet person and look pretty until one day your super charming prince come to swept you from your feet. and you know the unique thing is all of these couples will always have their "PERFECT MOMENTS" you know where everything just fall to places, where everything just seem so wonderful almost dream like....moments such as these....

You get what I mean right, moments when the prince realize that there's something there...perfect moments where you just expect him to kiss her, say I LOVE YOU and that kinda stuff. But, funny thing is...if you look closely, the prince never did kiss the princess or say the 3 words at  all of these "perfect moments". Interesting right? Yeah...I noticed this after my fren told me how finding that "perfect moment" is important for one person to express how one feel about someone. I have to say, I think it is rather sweet and cute for someone to think that way....just like this cute, vulnerable bunny rabbit who just don't realize how perfectly naive and innocent it is....that you just feel like you want to give it a hug and protect it closely. I personally dream of that too...that "perfect moment" where it caught you by surprise and a sudden realization of how much love you have for someone. It is just seriously sweet, like over the TOP sweet. But even fairy tales show us that life aren't always beautiful....there's Ursula, Gaston and all the town folks, and there's also that old lady who wanna look pretty. And...in all of these fairy tales....like I said before, they only managed to express their feelings after something nearly took their loved ones away. Why does it have to be that way? Why does it have to come only after something bad happen? Why is it that even in fairy tales...it shows how human won't fight for something until they are about to lose it. Yeah, you'll never know what you have till you lost it , interesting isn't it...to noticed this. I guess what fairy tales have shown me is that even "perfect moment" don't come more than once. We ourself have to create that perfect moment, fight for what we want and create our own path of happiness...well I guess, I think I've left  all you dreamers out there with something to think about.....live your dreams love. =)

10 April 2011

So as we all know I went to Bruno Mars concert last Sunday. It was really amazing. He is really a talented artist. He know how to get his audience moving. Truthfully, it was a really lively concert. I had a great fun! Hope to  go to his concert again if he ever come back to Malaysia ^^v

 the crowd waiting for Mr. Bruno

Bruno Mars!!! (this is the best pic I have of him, darn!! I'm so short!!)

and..I'm glad to be spending it with my amazing bestfriend

* favorite moment*

I have to say...my favorite moment of the night was when Bruno sang "Count on me". Something about it kinda touch my soul you know, maybe the lyrics really meant something to me. And when he was singing it, the whole hall was singing it together with him putting their hands in the air swaying to the beautiful melody. Like the song actually feel like something living, something so real. What's make it more beautiful I guess was because I was standing there with my bestfriend, and "Count on me" are like our friendship song. So standing there with him just make it feel so much more meaningful than it is to anybody else I think. Like we are dedicating the song to each other. I almost feel like saying "Bestfriends forever Hazim, BFFE always!!!!" Tho all of us know how i think about FOREVER right? Anyway, I think no words can really describe how meaningful and special that moment was to me. It is definitely gonna be that moment that you capture in your mind and live for as long as you want it to live. Yeah ! one of my most special moment indeed!!! =)

i knew

i shoudnt jinx it.....

Happy Meal of Life

I'm blogging from my phone, can you believe it? I suddenly feel very strong feeling to blog. I have a lot of thing going on lately that i want to blog about... like i went to Bruno Mars consert last Sunday. It was really awesome! He was a really great performer. Okay i'll talk more about it later. What I really wanna talk about now is...I am happy. Why I am happy....I duno, I just feel peaceful. I am suddenly not worried. I don't feel like I have to catch something. Like I am on a verge of losing something. I feel free....and I am happy. Okay, I have sed that already.   Haha...ok I don't wana jinx this feeling. But I myself don't really understand why...I'm not in love or anythg ok. I thk I've just chase away yet another guy who is trying to approach me. I dunno why, dont even ask me why. Cz sometimes why I do certain thgs, I myself cant explain. I guess, maybe the truth is I am not interested. Maybe I've found everythg that I want. Tho I think maybe I am risking myself here, but as of now... nobody really made me feel like I need to be with anybody right now. I dunno, I am kinda content? For once, I am not obsess about my feeling. For once i feel like i am ready to let go. I dont feel the need to resist anythg. Just try to live n be happy. Cz now, I have nothing for me to be sad about. I mean... not really unless I really want to. Ok I feel so weird boasting about happiness here cam gyle menunjuk la pulak. Just to tell u I am not trying to boast. Its just that it's nice to look back and see how I feel bout things. Kinda give me back a moment to reflect on myself.

All I am trying to say is.... Alhamdullilah...

wait for it....

Often you hear this....wait till...wait for....

Seriously, today I'm just tired of this. Life is short people. What are you waiting for? Till what comes??? The moment my dad said "wait till your sister finished her studies. Then we go somewhere nice". I just can't take it anymore....I've been putting up with this "waiting" for quite sometime now that i feel like I wana scream.

No, I don't wana wait for destiny. I dun want to wait till I can get a long holiday to go to Aussie. Newsflash! I'll never have a long break. And for goodness sake!!!! I don't want to wait till my sister abes blaja baru nak go and have vacation. Ok we wait, then what? Probably I will not be here anymore. Probably, I'm working faraway from home by then. To wait, does that even mean that my parents will have enough leave to take?  Do you realize that our time is short? God forbid, what if tomorrow I'm destined to die????

I'm seriously tired of waiting...of putting thgs off for later. Why cant we get it done now??? If we all working so hard to get our work done. Why does we all have to put our life on hold???? why???? Allah s.w.t did not teach us to procrastinate.....even in performing our solat, we as muslims were thought to get it done asap. So why, must we wait for anythg??? why???? anybody that have an answer please do share with me. WAITING is tiring people, not to mention it is a waste of time....if we don't take our chances. we might not find it again in the future. Seriously, I don't want to be the people who said " I should have". Time does not wait...so why should we???

safe is unsafe

I thk this blog is lacking of smthg meaningful lately...seems like it has been a place where I just dumped all of the things that I just cant say out loud, all my emotions and that's it. So what's going on lately? After my trip to Sabah....i had my Medical assessment....Alhamdullilah, I passed....so now...I am living my jobless days in Ortho.

Seriously after finishing medical *thought block* err i couldnt remember how i wana finish that sentence just now actually. Hmm anyways, i da abes medical...thinking bout it tak sangka dah lepas posting yg paling menakutkan tuh. Hmm...tapi i rase, byk jer lagi posting yg takut compare to medical i.e Anaest, ED or Peads. Life is always a challenge...sometimes I rasa cam I am in a game yang every posting feel like a Stage...so I must complete 6 Stage in total. Memang syukur sangat2 dah lulus medical. Tapi lepas abes medical masuk pulak Ortho yg cam takde kerja nie...adehhaiii bosannnye. Hari2 abes round dalam pukul 830am then by 930am dah jobless. Gi makan breakfast then after breakfast tido.....hahahahhahaha....cam tak senonoh kan. OMG, no wonderla I da cam tembam semacam. haihh -_____-""

Anyways...for the past few days....I've been trying to work on something to figure out somethg. But for some reason my effort kept on going in vain. I am seriously out of ways to achieve this. I cant seem to talk about it. I dunno how to make it happen. I just have to plant more patience deep inside of me. Maybe one day it will work out. Maybe one day there will no longer be in between. Maybe all of us are scared, maybe figuring it out is like letting down our defenses  and exposing ourself to being hurt. Maybe that is our problem, we make ourself complicated so that people can't read us. So that people can't figure us out. So that we will be safe. Little did we realize, being safe will also predisposed ourself to being hurt. Like people sed,  its better to have tried and fail than failing without even trying. Do you guys understand what I am talking about? I know Iam seryesly bad with words nowadays...I can't seem to use them to express whatever it is that I feel or think. I just feel so numb.

My point is life is too short...too short to play safe, so what if we get hurt. Get up!!! mend those wounds...it will heal, playing safe won't promise us that we won't get hurt. Its better to be in a battle and die rather than waiting at home to be killed. Our nature is to survive, we will find our ways to survive...tho I think I myself are not very brave to follow my own advise. I know I have to. I know what I want. I know what I feel. I am not scared to follow it. I just hope it is real this time....I am putting my destiny in you...

words failed me