31 March 2011

safe is unsafe


I thk this blog is lacking of smthg meaningful lately...seems like it has been a place where I just dumped all of the things that I just cant say out loud, all my emotions and that's it. So what's going on lately? After my trip to Sabah....i had my Medical assessment....Alhamdullilah, I passed....so now...I am living my jobless days in Ortho.

Seriously after finishing medical *thought block* err i couldnt remember how i wana finish that sentence just now actually. Hmm anyways, i da abes medical...thinking bout it tak sangka dah lepas posting yg paling menakutkan tuh. Hmm...tapi i rase, byk jer lagi posting yg takut compare to medical i.e Anaest, ED or Peads. Life is always a challenge...sometimes I rasa cam I am in a game yang every posting feel like a Stage...so I must complete 6 Stage in total. Memang syukur sangat2 dah lulus medical. Tapi lepas abes medical masuk pulak Ortho yg cam takde kerja nie...adehhaiii bosannnye. Hari2 abes round dalam pukul 830am then by 930am dah jobless. Gi makan breakfast then after breakfast tido.....hahahahhahaha....cam tak senonoh kan. OMG, no wonderla I da cam tembam semacam. haihh -_____-""

Anyways...for the past few days....I've been trying to work on something to figure out somethg. But for some reason my effort kept on going in vain. I am seriously out of ways to achieve this. I cant seem to talk about it. I dunno how to make it happen. I just have to plant more patience deep inside of me. Maybe one day it will work out. Maybe one day there will no longer be in between. Maybe all of us are scared, maybe figuring it out is like letting down our defenses  and exposing ourself to being hurt. Maybe that is our problem, we make ourself complicated so that people can't read us. So that people can't figure us out. So that we will be safe. Little did we realize, being safe will also predisposed ourself to being hurt. Like people sed,  its better to have tried and fail than failing without even trying. Do you guys understand what I am talking about? I know Iam seryesly bad with words nowadays...I can't seem to use them to express whatever it is that I feel or think. I just feel so numb.

My point is life is too short...too short to play safe, so what if we get hurt. Get up!!! mend those wounds...it will heal, playing safe won't promise us that we won't get hurt. Its better to be in a battle and die rather than waiting at home to be killed. Our nature is to survive, we will find our ways to survive...tho I think I myself are not very brave to follow my own advise. I know I have to. I know what I want. I know what I feel. I am not scared to follow it. I just hope it is real this time....I am putting my destiny in you...

20 March 2011

hello dear

i love you so so muchhhhhhh!!!! please forgive me for feeling this way....i cant lie to myself, i'm scared. i love you but i know u'll hurt me. i'll get hurt in the end....that is just how it is goin to be....i noe that you care, but i know u cant let me love you

12 March 2011

life I sign up for

Truthfully...here is my insecure area over here.....

I know....I've been very...how I say, seems like hating my job lately. I just seriously hate working.....not all the time. Sometimes I do find working is exciting....sometimes, I do feel happy to be working, I do enjoy doing procedures and stuff....I do enjoy treating patients, helping them to feel better. Sometimes...I'm not gonna lie, or say smthg to make everyone think I am some kind of angelic person, cause I am not perfect like the prophet, I am just me....an imperfect human, full of flaws and weakness....and all that I can do is give my best. But sometimes, I just forgot to be sincere......I am seriously sinful for all this. Ever since I started working till now...seriously my motivation is running low...not because I don't have a dream anymore....I do, but somehow or rather I just find that this kinda life is not worth it. I am not born in this kinda life, I always have parents who are always there spending time with me, I've been thinking of what is going to happen to my children (if I ever have one). I hardly even have time to myself. All I ever think of is sleep. Am I going to be a bad mother? I seriously dunno.....

I guess...I just can't expect life to be perfect too...All I can do is just do my best, remind myself to be as sincere as I can in doing my work, try my best in doing everythg that i can in this life...hopefully..Allah swt will bless me and be with me every step of the way. Hopefully I will always have patience ...hopefully, Aminn

10 March 2011

just another small obstacles



word of wisdom : if we worry too much about today, tomorrow and the day after we will never see beauty that lies beneath those sun rays, those fluffy white clouds and those colourful flowers.

that word of wisdom dedicated especially to me. okay, i'm a bit upset.....okay maybe not a bit, a lot. I was disappointed...with life mostly and the people around me...well that just sum up together as LIFE. Life may not be great like all the time. But that is how it should be, so that we experience the variety of emotions, so that we will feel sad, angry. We may not deal with it as we should be at first, but I think if you brave enough to face whatever obstacles that has been put in front of us......we will be fine. Minus all the hatred, all the hurt, all the negativity...and embrace it with open heart...we will find that things are not as bad as we thought it would be. I am trying to kid myself, seriously.

But I also know whatever that I am saying is true....so I better listen to me. 

09 March 2011

life sucks!

i have to accept that the plot of my life will always made me end up alone

05 March 2011

words i'll never say

At this moment....
All I feel for you is love, all I miss about is being with you...
I told my heart a thousand times, dear heart please be safe...
But I can't help falling for you...
I miss you...
Geez....I am irritated with myself