Pintaku

Ya Allah, janganlah engkau palingkan aku dari cintaMu. Buatlah aku jatuh cinta berkali-kali terhadapMu Ya Allah. Jauhkan aku dari hasutan dan godaan syaitan dan iblis. Ya Allah pandulah aku ke jalan yg engkau rahmati dan bukanlah jalan yg sesat. Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku insan lemah, kuatkan iman ku untuk terus ke jalan mu. Aminn

5th Ramadhan. 19 days to goodbye

I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm moving away soon. Soon means in 19 days time. Yeah, its a week before Raya...and I'm sure many of my friends will be wondering why I have to leave so soon and stuff. Im sure my family feel the same way too.Well ugys, if I have things go my way....I wana go after Raya too. I wanna stay here longer, but I can't ....my department are not letting me take leave from the 13 till 26 due to lack of medical officers and the majority of medical officers in our department are Muslims. Yeah, total bummer. And JKN Penang said that they can't promise to give me leave as my record book is not in their hands yet. I don't know if I'll be able to celebrate Raya with my family or not this year, that is the saddest part. I don't know whats the best decision to make right now, either to stay and  may or may not get Raya leave or go and may or may not get Raya leave. There's a part of me who said "Just stay, even if I have to work on Raya I'll be in shift systems". Oh! I don't know.

Nothing make sense right now, Hazim says I've to grow up. I just feel like it is a lot to take in at one time, being away from family for the first time, moving to a new place, with no place to stay, new working environment, may or may not get Raya leave. I just feel it is too much. I know I'm very lucky I have Hazim there with me. But I just can't help feeling sad, I've make a living here...I have my own space, my friends, I've created a bubble that's comfortable..now I'm moving out of it. No more getting ice creams right before dining at Manhattan Fish with Nafasha and Diana. No more having Nasibah and Farhana around for advice. No more meeting Zatil on my free time/ day off and listen her talk bout make up and stuff. No more one hour drive back to my family. Everythg is new. I don't know when I'm gonna meet all this people again. But they have helped me a lot. I've become independent with their help. And it feels like I don't want to move on. I don't wanna leave my comfortable bubble. I'm missing it.  

Time seem so limited right now, there's many things that I wana do with just so little time. Yeah, actually I know what happened, I've been in denial all this time and that is why it is just difficult to take in right now. It felt like after this I'll be much further from my family. like this is one little step to stop being mum and dad little girl. I'll be writting again soon when I'm calmer insyaAllah.

Happy Ramadhan Al-Kareem!!!!   

Change

Lately, I have been thnking a lot about changing....I know that I am not getting any younger, I should do more good, I should be a better person while there's still health, strength and youth. I've been reading a lot about Islam lately, reading the translation...I've realized how 'jahil' I am. I am a Muslim, but I don't know what Islam is all about. For somebody who practice Islam, who pray 5 times a day, who fasted during the month of Ramadhan, for somebody who wear a hijjab. Its embarrassing.

I read an article in Destination Jannah, I am particularly touched by these lines

Hijab is much more than the external piece of cloth on your head, sisters. It is a change of heart, the haya' must enter the heart before modesty can truly be reflected from outside.  

Hayaa'is speech, hayaa'is proper covering of your body, hayaa'is being aware of Allah when you're interacting with the opposite gender, hayaa'is knowing your limits and boundaries. Hayaa'is a shift of the heart to something more beautiful that what we're fed in magazine and tv. Hayaa' and Hijab are a liberation to us Muslim sisters but only if we make it that way. 

Hayaa'in this context has a lot of meaning, Hayaa'derived from the word hayaat which means life. In English it is translated as modesty, shyness, self-respect, bashfulness, shame, honour and etc. The original meaning of Hayaa' in accordance with believer's nature, refers to a bad and painful feeling accompanied by embarrassment, caused by one's fear of being exposed or censored for some unworthy or indecent conduct. In short, Hayaa' is shyness. MasyaAllah, such deep meaning of wearing a hijjab. I've been wearing hijjab for years but I don't really understand what wearing a hijjab is all about. It is more than a covering, more than just an act of modesty. 

I was performing a Maghrib prayer the other day at Masjid Besi Putrajaya, I was truly moved by the people who just pray without their 'telekung', who pray in their present clothes and hijjab, because its enough to cover their aurat. I truly amaze at how beautiful Islam is that time. It is not hard at all. We are the ones who make it hard. I remember a teaching from Ustaz Azhar, he said women should not leave their house if the clothes that they wear is not enough to cover their aurat for a prayer. I can't explain this feeling, but I'll try to be better, maybe not drastically, but insyaAllah one day...I pray, I'll get there.